The Amory crew starts to understand what it means to be in a “Polycule” as they travel around Europe. This conversation covers a lot of ground: breaking down and rebuilding identities, importance of creating a safe space for ourselves, parenting, and visions of the future…which include an “Amory 2020 – Love Around the World Tour”!
We wrap it up with a little question…”What is your life inquiry?”
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If you want more of Megan & Marty’s travel adventures, check out Megan’s YouTube channel as well! There’s more videos each week as Marty (the tech guy) finally gets their channel set up. See what it’s like for them as they sold everything to become minimalists, and set off to wander the world with their twins and four suitcases worth of stuff to their name
PODCAST AUDIO TRANSCRIPT
Megan: [00:00:00] Hi, gentlemen. OK. Setting the stage here, which I always love to do. We are sitting on a bed. All three of us on a bed in an apartment in Barcelona. And we’ve got our kids outside the door watching a movie. So we’re hoping that they will hang out and play peacefully while we record this. Barcelona. So you guys, you want to say hi?
Marty: [00:00:21] Hi.
Kyle: [00:00:22] Hi there.
Megan: [00:00:23] Otherwise, it’s going to be a really long monologue of me. I do have quite a bit of energy right now. And that’s because we’re back in Barcelona. We got back here. We got here yesterday. And I say back because I lived here 20 years ago. And that’s the Barcelona Megan that Marty talks about in the first episode, that very free spirit. I was 21, 22 years old. It was my last year in college. And that year in Barcelona was fucking incredible. And I feel like that’s what’s happening right now is another growth spurt. And thankfully, because it’s kind of a shit show over the last month or two.
Marty: [00:01:00] Kind of. Kind of is an understatement, but OK.
Megan: [00:01:07] Yes. So where I want to start this episode is full of gratitude. Really just I feel so full of gratitude for where we are right now. The fact that I can look at both of you and we have Marty’s partner here as well, who I am so, so, so thankful to have in our lives and will continue to have in our lives. And it just feels like a big family. This is maybe the first time that it feels so comfortable with all of us here and yeah my heart.
Marty: [00:01:40] No one’s fucked up at the moment.
Megan: [00:01:41] I know.
Kyle: [00:01:43] Yeah, it’s kind of weird.
Marty: [00:01:44] OK. Rules of polyamory. If you have more than one person in your relationship, it can be fucked up that many more times per person. I don’t know if it’s exponential. I’m not a mathematician, but it’s one plus one plus one equals 15. Yeah, that’s how fucked up it can be.
Kyle: [00:02:03] Everyone was triggered in Spain.
Marty: [00:02:06] If three people out of four aren’t triggered, it’s good. But then there could be one person triggered the fucks it up for everybody.
Megan: [00:02:14] I don’t know who. Not going to say who.
Marty: [00:02:18] Just so you know if you’re going to get into this shit.
Megan: [00:02:20] No, that’s a really good point because we all affect each other emotionally. And we’ve talked a lot about triggered states and trauma and healing and growth and breakdown. And I will stand by it that we do need to allow room for breakdowns because it’s the breakdowns that allow for breakthroughs. Unfortunately, some of the breakdowns can be fucking hard and long, like a marathon
Marty: [00:02:41] Like three months.
Megan: [00:02:46] So you had your breakdown, Marty, in Brazil. That was like when we first left Chicago back in last January. You had your breakdown that that was shorter. Was maybe four weeks, five weeks. And I feel like this European adventure has been my breakdown. And I’m just so lucky to have had both of you here, and still here.
Marty: [00:03:06] I think that was the big one. The big one for me, the death of a previous identity was Brazil. When we started, however, there have been breakdowns in between, like going to Chicago and re-entering our culture or lack thereof in the US and then having reverse culture shock and then panicking in front of my family. It was just like, hey, I’ve been great. This has been great. I’m traveling. Everything’s fine. I was in the zone before we got back. I came back. I showed up with my family, I’m fucking a mess. Because family triggers me. And that was like two weeks. So it comes in spurts. But I think the big death was Brazil, and your big death was London, Scotland, Belgium, all of Europe.
Megan: [00:04:04] So this is the crazy part about having our life in being location independent for the moment is that everything feels like it’s in chapters. And this was the European adventure. And some of the things I do want to get into now because we’ve had so much and there’s so much we didn’t record basically an entire month being in Spain and for my 40th birthday, which was kind of a continued shit show. And I really want to get into the identity like the breakdown of my previous identity and the systems of belief that are associated with that. So I will put the little teaser out there for a topic I wanna get into. Another thing that I want to talk about in this episode, because I have both of you here, is is basically parenting and the challenges of parenting in this format and the benefits of it, because there were 10 days when Marty went travelling with his partner and Kyle and I were together with the kids. And Kyle, that for you was a very different setup. So, I would love to talk about the insights that came up for you and the challenges and the challenges for me and, you know, and the benefits to having sometimes separate because I think now that we’re connecting with more people literally around the world, which is fantastic. You guys, we love you. Oh, I love you. Some of you.
Marty: [00:05:18] Some of you that send us dick pics. Not so much.
Megan: [00:05:20] No, we don’t. Yeah, we don’t really want dick pics. We love the shout outs and the gratitude. And we’ve been connecting with so many of you over the last couple of weeks as Kyle has, like specifically, Kyle gone on his social media rampage.
Kyle: [00:05:35] What are you talking about?
Megan: [00:05:36] That but that I love. I love it. And we’ve been able to connect with people following people around the world. And what I’m realizing is that there are so many questions and there’s so many different variations of being polyamorous. Like there’s no one way. And what I’ve loved is that being we’ve really tested out a lot here in Europe. We’ve tested out different formats like all of us together. So Kyle and Marty and me and the kids together and then separate with Marty and his partner and Kyle and I and the kids, and now we’re all back together. And it’s just been like every little chapter, every little part has been a new learning, kind of more insights. And I see that from around the world with people that have made this choice and relationship structure. And they’re all different. And it’s so beautiful.So that’s what we’re still playing with.
Marty: [00:06:25] There’s still a lot of vocabulary to learn. There’s more than polyamorous. And polyamorous isn’t an identity, it’s kind of a structure, it’s a relationship structure. Right. Yeah. There’s so many versions of it. I can’t even keep track. It’s hard. We are going to need a dictionary. Someone write a dictionary.
Kyle: [00:06:45] That’s the biggest thing that we’ve learned is that everyone that we connect with has a different structure and a lot of it’s just driven by what they need. And I haven’t really seen the same thing repeated because there are so many different types of situations. We’ve talked to people from all different countries. Everyone’s kind of playing with what structure is possible. They’re arriving at just different places. And it’s really cool to see and inspiring. I don’t quite know what’s perfect for me in the long term.
Megan: [00:07:20] I think that’s everything that we’re playing with. Oh, another thing that we’re playing with, too, is where in the world do we like to live? And what do each of us need? What do each of us like? What are we finding out about that? That’s a whole other topic as well.
Marty: [00:07:31] Yeah. I think when you said perfect relationship for you.
Kyle: [00:07:35] Yeah. Bad word. Did I say “um” before that?
Marty: [00:07:39] That that’s one thing I realize is that I get the statement. Well, you can always fall back on your relationship with Megan or you have your relationship with Megan and you think that it’s just easy, but no relationship is easy. None. Not not any of that. Your relationship with your mail man can be difficult. Relating is difficult.
Megan: [00:08:05] Well, it takes work.
Marty: [00:08:06] And having more people to relate to is more difficult.
Kyle: [00:08:10] I just some minimalism as the thing here.
Marty: [00:08:13] It’s true. I’m kind of a minimalist now in people I hang out with. I minimized fucking everything. Right.
Kyle: [00:08:21] That just hit me.
Megan: [00:08:22] Oh, my God. Yeah. OK. So what do you describe it?
Kyle: [00:08:25] Well, I think I’m doing that as well in someone that’s shifting my identity from wanting to be liked by everybody. And you know, who doesn’t kind of want that? Most people. Shifting away away, doing what I think everyone wants to doing whatever I want to do whatever I feel. And that will typically piss off people or offend people or trigger people. But it’s just what I feel, what I need. And it’s not intended to be that way. And a lot of the things people feel is a projection of their own stuff. Right. So it’s been a natural filter in kind of putting myself out there. A lot of people we talked about this on this trip. You know, how did people reach out to me. I’m worried about you. I’m worried about this.
Megan: [00:09:13] And these are like, who?
Megan: [00:09:13] So people that have known you from your past.
Marty: [00:09:15] Yes. Which is crazy cause I worry about you because you’re a polyamorous relationship structure and they’re worried about you when you’re depressed for 12 months straight.
Kyle: [00:09:24] No one was worried about me then.
Marty: [00:09:26] That’s right. No one worries about you. And you’re like, oh, I fucking hate my life. Its cool. You are in a polyamorous relationship. Are you ok? There’s just too much love.
Kyle: [00:09:37] Have you heard my story. There was worry. There should have been worry there. Its minimizing. Those people out of my life. And there’s been a lot of minimization of things that are getting filtered out now where this is my true self and people are either offended by it, concerned about it or whatever. And then there’s some people that. Reach out more like when can we hang out? When I think I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for a thousand years. Things that I hear.
Marty: [00:10:07] But I think that identity thing is shifting for me. And I think it’s kind of like my thing was when we did those astral charts. You know, I’m 50 50. I grew up in an Indian family. I’m half Indian. There’s a lot of astrology in Indian relations in Indian families. And you have these things called Tava’s written and everybody’s read your palm and tell you how big of an asshole you are in an early age and my life is going to suck and all these other things. The thing about this, it’s Saturn in my 11th house is about relating the groups of people and how I struggle.
Megan: [00:10:48] Saturn in your 11th house?
Marty: [00:10:50] Yeah. And I read it and it’s like this is my fucking life, which is crazy for me because I like science and I’m not really sure how I feel about astrology and science together. But OK, reading it though, relating to other people and identity and my identity, I relate to in a science way is like if we are all light, if we are all that energy, then we are both a wave and a photon at the same time. Anytime we observe ourselves, we go from a wave and we collapse into a photon and we are in a state of time, right. And that only lasts as long as we’re actually observing ourself. The next time we observe ourselves, we’re in a different place in time and we’re a different identity. And it’s this filter. I filter out different people depending on the day. And so sometimes I feel like I’ve minimized a lot to the point where I’m at the point of wanting to rebuild. So I think we’re on the opposite sides of this coin where you’re like, let’s filter out a whole bunch of people. Yeah. And I’ve already done that pretty much for 40 years. And now I’m like, well, who do I want to add back and who we were talking about, like the opposite ends of the coin. Being in an identity where I’m like trying to now figure out how I want to relate, because my way of relating was I’m good in groups until I start taking on the identity of the group. And then I feel like I’m losing my identity and I stay in the fringe and then I leave the group and I am constantly struggling to be in a community. And even now, sometimes I get jealous. You guys have fans like people who reach out to me. I want to, like, marry you.
Kyle: [00:12:37] But who has the most listens to their recent short?
Marty: [00:12:42] Well, maybe because like people who like, how the fuck does this guy do that?
Kyle: [00:12:46] Maybe they can’t relate to you.
Megan: [00:12:52] So it’s interesting because I don’t experience you getting jealous very often. So what’s happening when you realize.
Marty: [00:12:57] Yeah, I get jealous. It’s not that big. And jealousy. I’m like it’s just more of that. Okay. I’m outside of a community again. I am always feeling outside of a community. I’m a third culture kid. My father is from India and mom’s Irish Catholic. I was born in the U.S. and I don’t have really any of those identities. And now I’ve even stripped the U.S. identity. I’m location independent, minimalist. I was traveling with my partner. I’m like, whoa, what city are we in? Is it Seville, Porto, Lisbon. It doesn’t matter.
Megan: [00:13:29] You come back and you said you could be at home anywhere.
Marty: [00:13:33] I’m home anywhere. I just navigate. I as long as I have Google to find the restaurant near me rated 4.3 stars or higher. I’m golden.
Megan: [00:13:49] Since you brought it up, how was that experience traveling with your partner and those 10 days? Let me set it up a little bit before, is that we had been in Mallorca for my 40th birthday.
Kyle: [00:14:00] Oh you want to skip over that part.
Megan: [00:14:03] Yeah, I know. I’m going to talk about it a little bit, but I was still. I think I was still really triggered there. And I was going through my own identity shift as well. I don’t think the big lesson that I was learning was how to not be responsible for other people. I was taking on everything for me. I knew where it came from. It came from. If anybody listened to that episode about the breakdown Marty and I had in Belgium, there was a lot about being enough and am I enough? And so being enough. And there’s another belief system that’s connected to that, which is I have to be responsible for everybody around me and their happiness. And because that’s how I prove I’m enough. And it just there was really an unhealthy connection, I think, to both of you, actually. And so when I had the breakdown in Mallorca around not being not having to be responsible for anyone’s happiness, I didn’t know who I was. It was like, wow, so much is based on this and letting that go. So needless to say, it was a bit messy in Mallorca. We had our Brazilian friends meet up with us, which was unfortunate because it was beautiful there. It was beautiful shitshow. It’s a common theme here. I really hope I’m done for a little while with these beautiful shows.
Kyle: [00:15:16] It was like the real world drama in paradise.
Megan: [00:15:20] It was really important for me because I needed to be able to break down. And actually having that breakdown on my birthday in paradise was kind of like, fuck everybody. I’m having this breakdown I just can’t I cannot be responsible for anyone else’s happiness. I am upset. I’m processing something. I’m letting something go. I can’t. Now I can talk about it, but I couldn’t talk about it then. I didn’t know what was happening. Really. All I knew is that I wanted to be sad and it was something big going on for me and fuck everybody else because I can’t make you happy anyway. So it was a really big breakdown. And that was then right on the heels of Marty’s partner arriving in Majorca. And she was like,.
Marty: [00:15:58] OK, my tribe let me down because I was stressed out because there’s always tension. We don’t see each other as often, our entire relationship. It takes up 10 weeks, right. Of actually seeing each other. So I wanted everybody to be chill and cool and easy. And they weren’t. And it didn’t make my life any easier. And so going into it. Me and her were like, let’s have fun. But we couldn’t. And then within two days, it was pretty much that she was gonna break up with me at the end of this at the end of this trip, because this couldn’t go on. She couldn’t do this. And so I accepted that fact right away, graciously, very graciously. Because I don’t want to ruin the remaining time that we had. So this is the state of being that we’re in. Prior to going, I had a 10 day trip together.
Megan: [00:16:57] I want to share something to that effect. Because I think I had put so much pressure on myself, like, OK, Marty’s partner is arriving. I want it to go so great. This is my 40th birthday. I want everything to go perfectly. And it was like me piling on all this pressure on myself to make it go great, which then I’m trying to control the world around me instead of just being. And everybody kept telling me, like, just let go and just be. And you know, I was like, frantic and I did. And the way that I loved you in the past, really, Marty, the way that I loved you in the past was, the only way I knew because of previous trauma, because of I could go into a whole long other episode around that, but it was I had to be responsible for your happiness. Now, you never told me that, that was never like our relationship setup. It was the way I related to you. So in my desire to love you and to create the best scenario for all of us, it was like, I have to make this all work well. It’s my responsibility. So when everything started to fall apart, it was like even doubling back on myself, like, oh my God, it’s falling apart and it’s all my fault because I’m responsible. And now I think Marty’s partner is going to can’t stick around because it’s too much. And oh my God, that’s my fault too. And it just like it compiled. But it was the best breakdown that could have happened because I finally got that it wasn’t actually my responsibility.
Marty: [00:18:20] Yeah, its not your responsibility to keep us all happy. It’s also nice if you don’t fuck it up. You know, that’s another part.
Megan: [00:18:28] I had to fully own that.
Marty: [00:18:29] I know. I know. But anyway.
Kyle: [00:18:33] For me and you, we were probably at our best spot only a few days before in Belgium. I felt like we had a really good connection, a lot of good conversations both ways. And then I started to realize, wow, I’ve been relating to Marty through Megan and the same thing you’re talking about. I’ve just I’ve tried to be neutral, but it’s really hard. And I started to reflect on all the things that I wasn’t being neutral on, like I’m resisting viewing you in or relating to you in that way. And it’s absorbing that as a reality. And I think when we’ve gotten closer, I’ve started to let go of those things. And then I shared that with you. And I know that was hurtful to say. Yeah. Marty, I have judged you and and I’m sorry about that. I truly am. And I want to let go of that past and I want to let go of judgment. And I think we were in that really good place. And then it started to all slide. I think there was a lot of energy overall as we went into Mallorca and there was a lot of pressure. And you wanted to go well and you wanted to go well. And then I think again, I started to see you relating to Marty in certain ways. Where I understand this now. And that was why intervened in the way it was like a soul intervention, where it was like I was afraid, I don’t know what’s going to happen. Like, I don’t know what state you’re in. I literally hadn’t talked to you in two days. I just was like giving you space. But I felt there was tension building up. And then that kind of led me out to talk to you. And then things started getting better. Ever since that, what that could have been the low point of the trip that everything’s been going better since then.
Marty: [00:20:22] I’d say it was the low point of the trip. And I think the shitty part for me is like what you judge me about and what you’re doing with how you’re loving me. Is this like severely twisted version of me where I give up fucking everything. The house, the car, the location, turned my business around and rebranded myself. I’ve done all the shit to be in a state of flow, not resistance, changed so much about myself. I quit smoking weed recently. All this stuff. Like I just changed. And then I’m not seen as a person or agent of any sort of change. You’re holding me in the past and I had to grieve all of that. And then I was sick and my taking antibiotics right before she’s showing up to it. All of this is happening at once. And then when we get to Mallorca and it’s a shit show. I just want to be left alone. I was like, why come back in here. I would just fucking leave me alone. Like no one could give me, like, the respect that I didn’t. I don’t mean any harm. And I’m not like bringing anything negative to you. And we got there. We got there eventually. You have a point where it’s like, hey, I love you. I want you to be happy. I want you guys to be happy. I want there to be flow. I don’t have any negative malice toward you, but I’m being treated as soon as I emote and these are a negative way or don’t. Which is like my shut down. I just remove myself because if I criticize or emote, it’s bad. If I don’t, it’s bad. So there’s no place for me to go. There’s no way for me to be, without being judged harshly. And I just kind of had enough.
Megan: [00:22:03] So that moment when we were in Mallorca, I was still in the bedroom and I walk out and these two are talking together and a little bit of me.
Kyle: [00:22:12] Can I lead up to that though real quick. I think one of the funny parts of that was that I walk in the kitchen and I think I was like faking that I was going to get something. And my intuition was leading me to talk to. And I remember just looking up at you and you’re sitting in between two people. And it was like, Marty. Can we talk? And then I remembered both those people that were you were sitting in between getting up and getting the fuck out of that area and just clearing out because everyone was like, oh, no, there’s like a lot of tension here. But of course, we talked it through and it went really well.
Megan: [00:22:50] And that part was beautiful to me. So I don’t know what was said the first couple minutes, but when I walked out there and you guys were talking, it was you’re kind of both on the opposite ends of the island and you’re talking with each other. And I was like, oh, shit, this is either going to go one of two ways like this is going to go south or this is going to be fantastic.
Marty: [00:23:11] This is the difference through the two of you and me. I’ll own this. I don’t fear conflict.
Megan: [00:23:16] No. Exactly.
Marty: [00:23:18] That scares the shit out, everybody.
Kyle: [00:23:19] But that typically that would have been me. But I was the one that created that conflict. And I think I learned it from you. Which is funny because we were just talking about that at me and your really high point in Belgium when we talked about that one night.
Marty: [00:23:35] Yeah. Even through the day. We had conflict is okay.
Kyle: [00:23:38] Me and you were in flow. And literally the thing that I learned you were like the sensei. And I was the student. It was like that. We’re talking about conflict and why it’s OK. And for me, it was like then I used that thing I learned to really, I think, help us all heal.
Marty: [00:23:54] You have to be willing to go into conflict with me. I had a reputation of eating someone’s face if there’s conflict. Because I don’t I’m not going to sit there and I won’t make it real. And it can be hard.
Megan: [00:24:08] Which was interesting because in this dynamic you were the one that was pulled back and Kyle was the one that was like, OK, OK, let’s go into this. And at that moment, you’re like, I don’t want to go into this. And Kyle’s like, I think we need to go into this.
Kyle: [00:24:20] And I said trust me, I’m not here to be aggressive.
Megan: [00:24:25] No, it was beautiful. It was like done with so much respect and love, so much respect and love. And that’s when it was that first 30 seconds. I was like, oh, this is gonna be good. And I watched you guys go back and forth. And what I realized, because I think we had all been trigger to going into Mallorca. What I saw was the connection, the communication be between you two is so key and so important because the way that I had been relating to both of you and this is where I will totally own my fuck up is I was oriented to both of you as if your happiness was my responsibility.
Megan: [00:24:56] You get in between. Exactly. I put myself in between, which I’m sure all the throuples out there. Triads are like, oh, man. Yeah, that’s like the basic level of communication. Must haves for a triangle. Like you have to you have to allow that communication.
Marty: [00:25:16] You’re hedging and you omit shit and then you forget to shit and you’re in a state of trauma. You should not be in charge.
Megan: [00:25:21] The best part was when you guys started talking. And you’re just like, I totally agree. She’s doing that. And you’re like, yeah, that’s what I’ve been saying. And you guys are like bonding over how I’m being. And I’m like, oh, god.
Marty: [00:25:33] we both agree she’s an asshole. So then, why are we fighting? This is the triangulation. I remember. Yeah.
Kyle: [00:25:42] We’re both getting caught up. We’re like, wait, wait, wait. You didn’t know that? Like, wait. You were told this?
Marty: [00:25:47] We were saying the same thing to her. The same fucking thing. And she’s lieing to both of us.
Megan: [00:25:52] Because it was filtered through my triggered state of course. Exactly.
Kyle: [00:25:58] So we never really had a big problem with each other. No. No. And so it was all worked out. And thankfully, we’re not a hyper toxic dudes. So. No. If anyone had any doubts. That is your proof.
Marty: [00:26:10] Yeah. Because neither one of us are out to hurt the other one. No. I think we’re not jockeying for position. We just want really be at peace. Anyway, that’s Mallorca. There’s good times there, but individually.
Megan: [00:26:22] Yeah. That was the thing. I think I went into that trip thinking we all were gonna do things together. And what happened where they were just all these little pieces like Kyle, I you, you and I had these incredible hikes and these incredible moments together. And I’m sure you and your partner Marty and your brother.
Marty: [00:26:37] Yeah. And these great moments.
Megan: [00:26:38] Oh, God, I had the best conversation with your brother, too. He was like it was over a glass of wine. And I cried and I just let out tears. I’m here just like, girl, you got to just stop being responsible. Like, don’t be responsible for anybody we like. Be like go fuck yourself. So fantastic. And I just cried. And we had wine. And and then like I love you. It was so fantastic. Yeah. Because seriously, people sometimes you just gotta cry, really. Sometimes you just gotta let out the emotion go through the emotion. Yeah. You’ve gotta go through it. There’s no other way. Like I’m just gonna not feel this.
Marty: [00:27:13] You were in resistance. Resistance is suffering.
Megan: [00:27:16] I’m excited about an article I read. I read this article probably a week after that moment. And this article was brilliant. And it talks about systems of belief. And that when we go through. And so imagine we talk about belief systems all day long, belief systems. But picture this picture in your head in your being, you have like an ecosystem, an Amazon jungle of beliefs in yourself. And imagine that you have one nasty animal in there that is causing some problems and you remove that nasty animal and then it’s going to reshift that entire ecosystem. That entire ecosystem will change because you’re removing one belief for one nasty animal. Right. So our bodies and our spirits and our minds are going through that. So by me removing that idea of I need to be responsible for everyone else’s happiness like I had, it was connected to so much other shit and I had to go through it. And in this article, I love what it talks about because it talks about us being okay to be sad, like being OK to go through that little slump of energy, to go, I’m restructuring inside, like, hold on a minute, my whole world is shifting upside down and I’m reorienting myself. And my subconscious is doing a lot of fucking work right now. And I don’t understand. My conscious brain does not understand what’s going on. And actually, I feel lost and I don’t know what’s going on. And it’s making me feel a little sad. So shut the fuck up right now. And that was Mallorca. For me, it was like, shut up. I’m going through a major restructuring and I don’t know what’s happening. And it was beautiful.
Marty: [00:28:46] But it didn’t end there.
Kyle: [00:28:49] And I was her roommate. Just give me some credit.
Marty: [00:28:54] Same thing. Feel your emotions. I call those hidden dragons face of dragons. Slay some of them, read some of them off into the sunset, make friends with of them, whatever you need to do with your dragon. You’re dragons didn’t end there. All right. Okay. All the way back to the 10 days that I now I’m going on my own, which was after Mallorca. Yes, I’ll get there. Let me tell the story. All right, are you done? So we’re kind of broken up in the future before we start this trip and we’re going on this trip.
Megan: [00:29:34] So who is broken up?
Marty: [00:29:35] Stop. OK. You’re not in charge. Let me tell my story. My partner, the only person I’m broken up with this point, if you’ve been listening, started in Mallorca and I had to graciously accept because I can’t destroy her world. This is not what I’m up to. And I want to have that meaning of this trip to be awesome. And so we go into this kind of unknown position. And I also haven’t had much time away from the kids.
Kyle: [00:30:08] What were your expectations when the ten days started?
Marty: [00:30:12] Nothing. I had to remove them all. I was just be in the state of flow. I need to do like I said.
Kyle: [00:30:17] I just want you to remember that piece.
Marty: [00:30:20] And I also got to wake up without kids screaming my name because every morning the alarm clock is Daddy. That’s legit. Every morning at 630. Why is it Daddy is the alarm clock. So like 10 days without the kids the longest time in awhile I want to miss my kids. This is important. We have I mean, parts of our trip. We’re like, oh, we’re in Porto.We need to pick somewhere else to go on Sunday. And it’s Saturday. We literally looked at everywhere in Europe for the cheapest flights and pick Valencia. And so like we’ve kind of bounced around and that was great. And it was the opportunity to have a relationship for the first time where there’s no real noise. Your ass wasn’t there, Megan, going everything’s gotta be perfect. And there is no other noise in her world, really. And there isn’t. Like kids noise. And it’s just awesome. It’s wonderful. It was an amazing experience. So much so that we’re not ending our relationship which shifted a lot of things. Even coming back now. So then after ten days, Megan and I had a couple days together. Kyle went off on his own. My partner went off on her on own. Everybody Kind of recalibrated. And then we came back here in Barcelona. And it’s been amazing. It’s been awesome. It’s back to the tribu. Everybody had to go through shit. Yeah.
Megan: [00:31:46] Yeah. What do you think? You learned the 10 days. What insights are coming up for you?
Marty: [00:31:51] I’ve shifted into introspective state to a point where I am really looking at my one to one relationships are fine and I have minimized those and I’m going to one like looking at my one to many relationships. If I’m in the state of speaking on stage, that’s where I’m at home. In fact, that’s my newest brand is me speaking. And I worked on my logo. And MartyBhatia.com has a new logo and I have everything going on in two speeches being written. I am enjoying writing and in a very introspective states of minimalism, world travel, changing your mind and what that takes. And I feel good about all that. And it’s kind of more of a reflection of gratitude for myself. I’m not going to be a total egotistical asshole.
Megan: [00:32:40] It’s like self-love, right?
Marty: [00:32:42] Yeah. I’ve changed everything in my life. I’ve changed. I’ve become location independent. I have. The minimalism is a way of clear the noise. My business is doing well. My brother is doing an amazing job running as a CEO. I’ve grown in so many ways. I’m mostly at peace, which is also part of this whole European adventure. I was in the zone. London, Belgium. I’m making friends with your host family. I’m in good shape. I was good in Spain for the most part, it’s just like you oscillating in your space. And I was happy with who I was. I’m happy with who I’m becoming. I’m figuring out what the next things I want to take on are in my life. And it is this relationship to community. It’s the next level of can I live a life with never raising my voice again? Like these things that are the next level challenges. Launching a new brand of speaking and really pursuing speaking for career which is something I’ve done for free and enjoyed and loved and done prolifically, but not as a career. And I’m excited.
Megan: [00:33:48] Its identity change.
Marty: [00:33:51] Yeah. I’m not shedding an identity. I’m able to add one. I’ve gone through reduction. I’ve done my minimalism. Kyle.
Kyle: [00:34:00] Yeah, I see that as part of the path.
Marty: [00:34:03] Right. Now it’s additive. I think this might be a lesson, when you reduce out fucking everything, you reduce out the noise, actually got to a point where the disheartening part about you and I, Megan was there was nothing more I could do for you. I couldn’t remove anything else like I am. We’re living in your dream. I’ve opened our relationship. I’m supportive of that. And I think a good dad. I am fit. You know, I lost weight over the last four years, like 70 pounds worth. I quit drinking now, I quit smoking weed. Now I have a coffee addiction and a phone addiction is my last two addictions and I have a really bad coffee addiction. And I couldn’t think of anything else to reduce out without losing myself entirely. And I am not unhappy with all these reductions in my life. But now it’s time to add. Yeah, and I I feel good because I’m not adding in a shitstorm of noise, at least until you were happy. And now that you are. I feel relief and ease. Yeah.
Megan: [00:35:06] Feels easy. Feels like a whole new me in a whole new relationship. Kyle, thankfully, during the time that we had in southern Spain while Marty was travelling gave me a really good analogy to to talk about the past in a way that was like pretend it’s an ex. Pretend I’m an ex. So instead of talking about the past, like, oh, when you did this, it’s when my ex did this blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because what I was doing and I don’t know, hopefully I’m not alone. Maybe I am. But anytime the past would be brought up, especially if it was something that I did that hurt you or hurt someone. I would then use it against myself. But now I’m really viewing past as a way I feel more detached from it and I can forgive that person. I’m picturing myself as a like like this ex, like a person that I’m not anymore. And it’s making it really easy to forgive that person and to forgive, you know, forgive you, Marty, or forgive whatever needs to be forgiven and let go. And finally, getting this idea of what it means to let go of the past, to be present and to create a new identity or to create the person I want to be.
Marty: [00:36:15] If you’re the partner, you have to see the person in a new way they need to be seen and you have to let go, like forgive. We looked at etymology of this, for is to like go of, in front of give to hold on to. It’s like to let go of holding on to. You need to forgive. You need to forgive the person and see them in a new light. Which is why I was suffering so much when you two see me in my past. True. And won’t let go of that identity for me, even though I’ve shed it ten identities ago. Yeah, it sucks for that person. Moved on. And for the person who struggling to move on. It sucks to be held onto that old past. You need to see yourself as new in this ex thing was beautiful. Totally. Now before. Before we forget, I want to make sure we shove you over to Kyle for sure. And I want to know for you. Mallorca and beyond and getting here, your 10 days with the kids and Megan.
Kyle: [00:00:00] Yeah. So you’re asking me, what did I learn?
Megan: [00:00:04] Everything. What was your experience?
Kyle: [00:00:09] I feel like I was. I learned what my limits were. And I think one of the bigger things that I learned. I mean, there’s two things that really stand out. One is there was a moment at the sunset when your son and I were throwing rocks in the water. Sun was going down. Beautiful. And I remember just looking over at him and thinking, yeah, I think I want to have a kid or kids. I want this experience. And like, there were days that were really hard where they were giving you a very hard time. And what I learned really quickly is like they give you a run for your money. When daddy is not there. And that’s a whole another parenting episode. Right. But there were very hard moments and a lot of stimulation which pushed my limit of energy, which is like intake of noise, stimulation. I was going in and out of being triggered to neutral, triggered to neutral. And I would go off in the mountains for like six hours and almost kill myself to come back to neutral, which is a good learning that that helps me from a triggered state. That’s a whole another thing. But through all of that, through all the ups and downs and even in a neutral state, I was able to think, yeah, this is something that I wanted. And I’m grateful for that experience because I think I haven’t known if I’ve wanted that and I haven’t known what that feels like to know. Yeah, there was 20 hours today that were really hard, but there was one minute that blows all that away and makes it worth it. And I felt that.
Megan: [00:01:53] All the parents are out there nodding their heads. Yes.
Kyle: [00:01:58] And I’m not a parent yet, but I felt that what that feels like because I’ve heard that from people. But I’ve never experienced it and felt it.
Megan: [00:02:06] That’s beautiful.
Kyle: [00:02:07] So I want that experience at some point.
Megan: [00:02:11] How did you feel going into it before the ten days? How do you feel going into it?
Kyle: [00:02:18] I think I mean, I definitely was nervous about. Like how that would affect our relationship? Yeah. I think also knowing like, how can I be supportive? And I think a lot of that’s like, don’t be an idiot. Just support you how you can like if you. Yeah. If you need coffee. Go get it. If you need it. I was at it was more supportive of you, more attentive to you, because a lot of times I couldn’t do specifically what the kids needed and they needed to go to you for that. So then it became what do you need? Because you’re overloaded. And I think like becoming hyper focused on that was a really good lesson as well.
Marty: [00:02:59] I had a hope that both of you would suffer a little bit because in contrast, I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be seen for what I bring for sure, you know.
Kyle: [00:03:10] There was definitely suffering and if I skipped that over, I apologize.
Marty: [00:03:20] I just occurred to me, though, I wanted. I wanted to be seen for what I bring to the table as that. And when you guys have five days in the street.
Kyle: [00:03:28] I saw it really fast when we got back and we were at like having tacos and there was like a near breakdown that you were like. You put it away and it was like I literally was like, that would have been a two hour fucking escapade three days ago. And part of me was like, thank you, Marty.
Marty: [00:03:46] Yeah, that’s what I wanted. You don’t have to give me a trophy. But I have value and I wanted to have that my ability to interject with the children gives you two time to relate to one another. You don’t have to run off in the mountains for six hours. I can see it and interject.
Kyle: [00:04:07] Thank you. And you’re welcome.
Megan: [00:04:11] Yeah. So I think there’s huge insights. I was also nervous going into it because that’s the most time that you and I have spent together with the kids.
Kyle: [00:04:19] And it was 30 days really, and then 10. Yeah. So that was kind of what I was thinking that’s my max.
Megan: [00:04:27] Yeah. Thirty days total with the kids and kind of everybody I days off in the street. But it was before and then we spent thirty dollars. Yeah. Then going into to in ones ones. I know. Yeah. Me it was just like.
Kyle: [00:04:39] Yeah. The stimulation. As an introvert was kind of the thing that I’m like oh these are my limits of sometimes you just gotta be in the middle of the mountains and I want nothing like even if I see one human being 10 miles away, I don’t want it. That was where I was at.
Marty: [00:04:55] Did you go through an identity shift here?
Kyle: [00:04:58] Yes. I mean, it’s been happening over the last few months, and I think I mean, I hate to use the mountain man as the the identity, but it encapsulates a lot, which to me I feel like I’m inventing and it’s like it’s the man that I want to be. And I think that man is different than the models that I grew up with. But I found a powerful way to be a man that isn’t violent or controlling or insecure. And I’ve found a way to. Yeah. I think I found that balance of being a man that is safe, but strong and secure in himself and confident. Yeah.
Marty: [00:05:48] And would you say a projection of who you want to be was understood? Like you’re projecting a future version of yourself that you really want.
Kyle: [00:05:56] Yes. Yeah.
Marty: [00:05:57] I found that in my opening this relationship was, you know, there’s this part where I’m jealous when you understand I’m jealous. Can I be a man who’s not jealous? What was that zen guy, channel like the Van Wilder, this guy’s cool as fuck. How do you get cool as fuck? I’m Definitely not cool as fuck right now. And then I think about how this Zen dude would handle these situations? You know, like it’s all good girl. Go ahead and make out with him. How do you get there? And it’s I think it’s about kind of projecting that future identity and then saying, okay, I’m gonna be this guy, the mountain man.
Kyle: [00:06:36] I mean, I literally fantasize in my head about myself in like a year or whenever. And I have like some healing retreat center in the mountains that I’m running. And I have like organic garden that I have learned how to do myself. And I’ve built a house with my hands and I solar panels, magic mushrooms, polyamorous girlfriends, and that’s it. And that’s not a fantasy, but it’s fucking fantastic.
Marty: [00:07:09] Yeah. It’s visualization.
Kyle: [00:07:11] Yeah. Yeah. And it feels like it can happen and it will happen.
Marty: [00:07:15] Listen, fantasy is not a bad thing. We fantasize about futures, sci fi is science fantasy. That brings us pretty much all of our scientific revolution is through visualizing a fantastic future that we don’t have now. And what’s so wrong with that? I think as a martial artist that started as a kid, you watch movies and you think you’re going to become a ninja. That’s how you visualize the future being a competent martial artist. Yeah, it’s not that way, but it certainly helps. So this is a great way to start your visualization of the mountain man.
Megan: [00:07:52] I love this point about visualization because I think it’s something that it’s pretty known. And the personal growth realm, people are like. Visualize your future. I think what I’m learning right now is that it’s an I’m even thinking about past courses that I led with people even two years ago. I started with visualization, which is kind of crazy because if you’re not in either a neutral or a positive state, mental and emotional state. What you’re projecting because visualizations are projection of ourself, right. You could easily in triggered state have a projection of a future. Right. But that’s gonna make you feel a certain way. So what I love about the way that you talk about the mountain men, Kyle, and the way that you talked about Marty when you were opening up our relationship and how you visualized yourself is that there was some kind of energy behind it, which was I want this for myself. Like you talk about fantasizing for yourself. It’s like, wow. What future of me lights me up because there’s an energy that’s present in that moment. And I think I’m starting to have that as well right now, because we started playing around with the idea of Amory going on tour, like doing these speaking events around the world. And the first one would be in Chicago. And I’m starting to get these fantasies in Chicago. The first one is in Chicago and a couple of weeks. It is. It’s happening. So it started just with this. Like we’re going back to Chicago. Let’s let’s have a conversation with put ourselves in a group of people and share what we’ve been learning and that one idea has spiraled now into a world our lives are travelling anyway. We’re going to be in different locations. We are gonna be in Hawaii for a handful days. And then were we booked our tickets to go to Australia and then it’ll be in New Zealand after that. And it’s just and then more. So now, I get giddy inside. I only think about Amory 2020. What’s the name of the tour?
Kyle: [00:09:45] Love around the world.
[00:09:46] Love around the world. Love around the world tour. So I think visualization to come back to that idea is what’s the energy behind the future that you’re projecting as well? Because that, I think, is. Really, really important. And where Kyle and I have been talking a lot is these triggered states, how to get ourselves back to neutral. And that’s why, Kyle, you’ve been spending a lot of time and effort going into breathing. And how do we. There’s techniques that we that are out there that each one of us are figuring out what works for us, because we’re constantly creating a world. We’re constantly visualizing, you know, either 10 minutes from now or a day from now or a year from now. The question is, are we visualizing it from a neutral state or from a positive state? And if we’re not if we’re in a triggered state, how do we get ourselves back into neutral or positive?
Marty: [00:10:32] It kind of goes back to that kung fu quote. I don’t know if I’ve said it in one of our podcasts or not or just in my many recordings. Attack from a place of safety. And if not in a place of safety, get to a place of safety and then attack. And its similar if you put creative in their, create from a place of safety and if not in a place of safety, you get to a place of safety and then create. But I have something to add to that, which is when we hang on to the outcomes, when you hang on to the visualization and you don’t want to allow it to morph into new things as your identity shifts, you start to suffer because you’re hanging on to outcomes and it’s resistance. When we have a visualization of ourselves and we’re not meeting it, we try to force it. And that forcing of it is resistance to the flow of what it could be or where it’s going. Yeah, what it is or where it’s going organically. So we have to create a visualization of the future. And then and let it go. And use it only as an aim, not as an outcome. Let go of the outcome and then always kind of reconfigure from a safe place and in that, letting go the outcome we let go of resistance because we allow for flow. And I think it is Shenzen Young who says pain times resistance equals suffering. And so we have to create the visualization, aim at it, create it from a place of safety. Aim at that and then allow it to morph. There’s more in those safe places. We become very attractive and new things will come to us. New opportunities will shift you and it’ll change what the future might might be better than what you visualize. You might be like mountain man, six pack abs already there, magic mushrooms, riding a unicorn, and whatever.
Megan: [00:12:15] Will you share, Kyle what we talked about that aha moment you had about the word insecurity?
Kyle: [00:12:24] Yeah. I mean, I don’t know why it was so profound, but I think we’ve been experiencing triggers and being triggered the last few weeks and months. And I think putting together the concept of an insecurity and that was something that I think I was really diving into deeper this summer. What am I insecure about? I’m feeling jealousy with Megan and then understanding, oh, a triggered state an actual physical response where I feel like I’m in a fight or flight mode. And I think all of us know what that feels like to actually be aware that it’s going on at the time is a whole different level of skill. But I think to know that insecurity is essentially like you don’t feel secure, you feel unsafe, you’re in a place of fight or flight. So insecurities, that actual breakdown of like you don’t feel safe, there’s something that’s causing you to not feel safe. It could be a belief. It could be some kind of environment that’s triggering you and there’s some kind of trauma. But that whole thing of being like, oh, insecurity, the actual feeling of being unsafe is what is causing this fight or flight response and insecurity is that it means that to not to know feel safe, to not feel safe. And that is this and that is the definition of fight or flight. You don’t feel safe. And I think every book I read right now about psychology and wellness, it’s our two basic human needs are number one, safety and number two, belonging. When those two things get fucked with, everything goes awry. And the ways that we cope, the ways we try to connect it to those two things are also ways that we can go wrong as well in the way that we build our life and our relationships and whether we’re dependent or needy or looking for outside validation. I think those are still two core human needs, which is safety and belonging. And we just have to be mindful and understanding about how can we healthfully do those things and and be more aware of when they’re breaking down or what’s going on.
Marty: [00:14:28] Well, I think you nailed it on the head for what my insecurity is currently, which is relating to community as belonging. When you’re in a state Megan of total breakdown and then you’ve isolated me too. And I’m now in a state of total isolation and now my partner is like, I’m out. And then I’m like, OK, I have to be really fucking good at being alone. And I really got to a point of like it would be my career, my kids, and that’s it. I don’t have like I’m out with family. She’s checked out. I’m not leaving her. I’m not going to stop your relationship. And I’m not going to do any of that. I don’t belong any community. So it’s community. It’s belonging insecurity.
Megan: [00:15:08] If that had a root belief, what might that be?
Marty: [00:15:12] I would need to explore my childhood. Because I was bullied. I’m a third culture kid. I’m a child of an alcoholic. I was independent by 8,9 years old, a Latchkey kid.
Kyle: [00:15:21] I would say it is not one thing.
Marty: [00:15:22] It’s a pile of things. And like for me, it’s also this code-switching ability, being able to move into any community and then like hide and then be able, then not find myself, fully known. And then I retreat. Yeah.
Megan: [00:15:45] It’s interesting. But to be aware of our partners. So for me and knowing this about you to say Marty hasn’t insecurity around both the feeling of belonging in a group and that allows me to have compassion to relate to you, to say he literally doesn’t feel safe. So if he doesn’t feel safe, he’s going to be in this triggered state, which is hijacked. Our brain gets hijacked into this fight flight or freeze mode and then we relate differently. So we are not coming from a neutral space.
Marty: [00:16:19] And I’m going to add to this fight or flight or freeze for state of the art. Read the book on killing human condition of killing. Good book to read about trauma. And also very triggersome. So fight flight freeze or posture? And what I would say is that what most people do when they are toxic masculinity is posture, which is the state of bullying to intimidate. So that the other person backs down because its not quite fight. Fight would be, you know, when people think I’m gonna be in a fight, it’s not when I’m loud and it’s when I’m quiet. When I’m quiet. You should be more worried because at that state, I think the fight is imminent. I’m not going to project verses if I’m loud. I’m posturing to try to end the fight before it happens. So I think of a toxic, hypermasculine male who stuck in a state of trauma and trigger insecure, would posture.
Megan: [00:17:12] So what I find so interesting is that I think those states are we are actually, in those moments stuck in the past because I think we feel insecure because we are we are connected to some idea, belief that we formed based on an experience from the past that we are still holding onto because we haven’t processed it totally. So there’s still a lot of exploration that I have. This is one of my ongoing inquiries is how can we be fully present and in flow? And I think what knocks us out of flow or being present are these things that we haven’t totally processed from our past. And so that’s where a lot of stuff comes up.
Marty: [00:17:50] Or it could be current. If you think about food insecurity for someone else in a place that doesn’t know when they’re next, yeah, it’s going to be very that’s a state that’s present, too. Right. And literally feeling insecure. I think it’s more knowing themselves, like Kyle is saying, kind of the ultimate is knowing that you’re in this fight flight, freeze or posture. I don’t know if I should recommend this to other parents, but like when my kids come up to me in a playground and they’re like, this kid’s doing this to me, they pushed me. I’m like, well, you have four options. I’m like, you could freeze and do nothing and let them do this. You could fight back and you could run away where you could scream at them and like, pretend you’re going to do something right. And they look at me kind of confused and then they run back off into the park and they try something.
Megan: [00:18:42] And it actually never occurred to me that those four options are from a triggered state.
Marty: [00:18:48] So they’re triggered when they come to me, they have learned how to deal with the playground. They ran up and they need to be secure in public or with other children. And it’s like, okay, if you’re getting ideas how to deal with that as a kid when you run away. If you run away, I want you know, that’s what you chose. If you froze and you’re paralyzed by it. Then that’s also a state of being like this, making them aware of their state of being and what their options are. Quite often it calms them down and then they’re like, okay, well, let’s just say and you laugh.
Kyle: [00:19:22] What co-dependency is too, because co-dependency is basically you never grow up. You never leave that child like need for someone else to come in and tell you what to do. Tell you what to do or save you or get you out of that situation. And a lot of us don’t have to be fully codependent to have codependent tendencies, those tendencies and might be oh fuck what do I do. I need some help.
Marty: [00:19:49] And sometimes you need to help. Like sometimes there’s a kid bullying the kids in the park. We deal with four languages that we’ve been in here but no resonates pretty much everywhere. So like when daddy stares down a six year old and says, no, not these two kids that kid freezes. Now he has the option of fight flight, freeze or posture. But I’m like a scary looking like dude that you don’t know. They might leave my kids alone. So sometimes I interject when my kids are being overpowered. But a lot of times I just let them deal with it and just make them aware of what their options are.
Megan: [00:20:27] I feel like we could do a whole other parent. We will do. We will do another parenting episode.
Kyle: [00:20:33] I feel like I’m in the course right now. It’s great to do before you have kids.
Megan: [00:20:40] You’re poly mom fans out there I think thats a good course to be in. So I want to go back because I didn’t get a chance, Kyle, to recognize you and share what those 10 days of us being together meant to me, because I know that you were nervous going into it. And I was, too. I was like, oh, shit, this is a lot of time for Kyle. I know is an introvert and recharges by himself to be with my kids and me and I know I get triggered by my kids, so I’m harder to be with and handle when I’m working on those triggers.
Marty: [00:21:11] I was like, fuck it, I’m out.
Megan: [00:21:16] Marty needs a break. Yeah. So I want to recognize you for how you hung in there. We even talked before and I said, hey, if you need a couple days in the middle of this 10 day stretch, like, go hang out, go out and go do what you need to do. And you didn’t take that option. You know, you did it in smaller chunks. I was like, hey, go take a couple hours and go do what you need to do. But I I think what we did well was we communicated it was like, hey, I need this, you know, and I did the same, too. And actually, I think I got to practice with you a lot on even recognizing my own needs and then stating my own needs and having this conversation between you and I. Because, Marty, that’s been kind of a strained conversation between you and I because of how I was relating to you in the past. So it was really good practice. It was kind of like in Mallorca. It was the death of one identity and the birth of another one. And I got to practice in a way that a lot of me to really solidify some stuff for me was like, OK. And I only need to be responsible for my own needs. We need to communicate those, actually. And then I want to be receptive. Like the new identity that is creating for myself is one that is more aware of what’s happening for me and my inner triggered state. Am I in a neutral state? Do I have an abundance of energy? I’m in a positive state being able to communicate, make requests and hear others requests.
Marty: [00:22:35] I think we should do our Amory shorts on identity, we’re going to do another three shorts. On what identity were visualizing, you know. And I also wanted to give you gratitude. Thank you for being trustworthy with my family.
Kyle: [00:22:49] Wow thanks, things that hits me right here.
Marty: [00:22:51] He’s pointing at his heart.
Megan: [00:22:59] And Marty gratitude for you because that’s a really big and granted you could say, well you just needed a break from me, from the kids. But you you entrusted Kyle and I you know, but really Kyle in this role.
Marty: [00:23:11] We already have trust. To be viewed as someone who’s not there yet. It’s like I’m there, you know.
Megan: [00:23:17] Yeah. So it’s huge. And Marty, I want to recognize you for being vocal and requesting the time that you needed and for making that time with with your partner to establish that and to see you. I saw you was so gracious going into those ten days, even thinking then that they were done with her and just being that space in that open space and get really giving me time to process on my own and to being easy actually to plan with and to create with. That was a big breakthrough. Break down, slash break through that you and I have gone through over the last couple months, which is I don’t even want to use the word, but I will. But co-creating like creating the future together. And we bought the tickets to Australia while we were not together. It was like, hey, what’s our next adventure? What does that stuff look like? And you’ve been so fantastic to plan with. It’s just literally like, OK, Meghan, what agenda do you have? Great. I’ll go do that. And it just for every step and I keep looking to you to be like, well, you’re not creating with me if you’re not saying what you want, but if you’re like, no, no, I’m good.
Marty: [00:24:21] Literally, I’m going drive the coast, meet you here, drive over there, get there by this date, go with the kids, we will be here at this time. And then you say, you want to co-create with me? What the fuck is there to add? You pretty much got it down. And then I would be super chill. I’d be like, i’m flexible I don’t give a shit. And you would be mad at me. Why didn’t you add anything? How much easier can I be?
Megan: [00:24:51] And I want to recognize you because that’s the part that I wasn’t seeing before because I was picturing and I had this idea in my mind of what creating with you was supposed to look like. And it was supposed to look like this banter back and forth, like, do you want to do this? No, I don’t know. You wanted this. How about that? How about that? We’ve been co-creating we’ve been together 20 years. We’ve been co-creating our lives together. And I think the piece that I hadn’t recognized now and especially now how easy and flexible you are. And owning my agendas is, hey, I have an agenda. I totally have an agenda. I need to just own it and share it because I’ve been rejecting that out of thinking that I had to be someone else, which was like, I know whatever you want it to be. Whatever you want to do. But that’s not how I am. I’m not whatever you want to do it. I have this fucking idea. I have this agenda. Hey, I’m gonna lay it out for you.
Marty: [00:25:40] That’s great. Because, like, I don’t think that far. I’m so present. I don’t think that far ahead. I don’t even know what day it is.
Megan: [00:25:49] I know. But that’s why it makes so much sense, because I’m going back to Chicagos like you guys. I have this idea. We’re gonna go talk to some people and both of you guys are like, okay, no problem. Rewind that even six months ago, not even six months ago, I’m in Brazil. I’m like, hey, guys, I think I have a big share coming up. And both of you are like, OK, no problem. Even doing the podcast. Hey, guys, I think I want to record a podcast about this. And you guys are both like. OK, no problem. That’s me owning up. OK. I just I had these big vision ideas and I can see pretty far ahead. And I just have to own that to be like I have I have this vision of the future. Yeah.
Marty: [00:26:27] If you have an agenda, own it. Yeah. And then be willing to hear criticism. Yes. Totally. Right. Be like, hey, that’s a stupid idea. I think.
Megan: [00:26:35] Does it happen often?
Marty: [00:26:36] No, it doesn’t happen very often. But sometimes it’s like, hey, even picking Barcelona. You start panicking. Yeah. Right. And I’m like, whoa, chill out. Then I realized, OK, what do I need to do? We’re worried about riots and things picking up because the elections here.And so I text the group and say, hey, if she gets crazy, I won’t take my kids and bounce, because what you needed to realize is that you can pick whatever you want. I’m still warrior mentality. I’m still protecting this family. I don’t give a fuck. The best part about not belonging to a community is I don’t give a fuck what any community has to think of me. If my kids are involved, I’m going to solve the problem. That’s what my job is. I solve problems. I find fluid that the car needs. I do the shit that no one else thinks of.
Megan: [00:27:24] Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude to you. Because in in this relationship structure, one of the incredible benefits is spending time like we just did where Kyle and I were together for 10 days with the kids and I wasn’t with Marty. And then in that contrast, I’m able to see the places where Marty is so incredible and steps up and it’s like I get to see the stuff that I’m usually blind to. And so I get to see those places where you’re role. Yeah. Your role in everything that you do.The way that you are with the kids, the discipline that you’ve brought, the loving discipline that you’ve brought into our lives. And I’m learning from you and all of these pieces that fit together and the loving partner that I know you are. And to feel this ease with you right now and to feel. And especially now being in Barcelona, because 20 years ago, I felt my life was fucking crazy because I’m studying abroad. I’m twenty two years old and living in Barcelona and doing a lot of crazy shit. And I thought it was crazy then. But walking the streets now and having the days like we’ve had today and yesterday, walking down the street with Kyle and Marty’s partner, holding the kid’s hands and running up and down the street and being able to hold your hand, Marty, and go, wow, look at what we’ve created. And we knew each other then. That was like we’d started dating in college. And that was a big breakdown for you and I. Because we broke up when we were together and then we broke up and we’re together again and broke up again. So this was like redeeming the past for us.
Marty: [00:28:51] Barcelona and I made up.
Kyle: [00:28:53] And I was just being born at that time.
Megan: [00:28:58] I’m not that much older than you.
Marty: [00:29:00] Barcelona kicked my ass in the past.
[00:29:03] Yeah, it did. And now to have this incredible experience of you and of you, Kyle, and with Marty’s partner, who I love so much and with our kids, it’s just this feeling of creating the life that we want to create and not by anyone else’s rules, by the rules that we’re figuring out by by being present and compassionate with our own needs and with each other’s needs and creating room for breakdowns and breakthroughs and sharing it and recording it and sharing it with people around the world that we don’t even know, but that we love. Because you’re going through the same inquiry. It is a fucking honor.
Marty: [00:29:37] The community is bigger than you think. And if you’re listening this stepping into the world of opening up your mind, your relationship, whatever, it is bigger than you think. Yeah, it might not seem that way because of all the like right wing crazy extremists and the left Wing Crazy extremists. It’s not the representation of what’s going on in the world.
Kyle: [00:29:58] There’s another way.
Marty: [00:29:59] It’s a fearful reaction and there is a loving reaction.
Megan: [00:30:04] So choosing love. And if I can give myself credit for one thing and Kyle, you called me all out unless you’re like you have such a far vision of the future, such like a high vision of humanity. And sometimes I don’t know what to do with that vision, because I try to share it with people and people like, what the fuck are you talking about? I need translators like you two. So translate this what I’m about to say if it doesn’t make any sense. But what I feel that I’m seeing or feeling for the future we’re living right now, which is why I feel so passionate about going around the world and talking to people and bringing together groups of people in conversation, because I feel like people can feel alone and it can feel like a very lonely journey when you stop when you when you give up the script of life that is out there because it’s not working. But so many of us, so many of you are in this inquiry and you’re in this inquiry of love and self love and and hang in there, because what I feel like is coming down the road is the skillset that you’re learning. We’re going to start learning on individual levels and then small group levels and then soon on a level of humanity. And these are the skills that we’re learning right now, which is not stepping into the world or relating to ourselves out of fear. It’s getting over those fight or flight responses and getting to neutral state and creating a space of love and creating our own rules and not being afraid of who we are and who we love and how we want to love. Because when we can relate to ourselves on that individual level and then relate to other people, we will naturally create systems that work for us. And what we’re seeing is a big destruction of systems that don’t work anymore. And I know that that can feel really scary, but we’re doing the work. Like all of you out there are doing the work. Just keep doing the work. This internal work, because maybe we won’t feel the difference in a year and it might take 10 years. But really in 100 years, we’re not gonna be around. But the groundwork that we’re laying right now for society, for humanity is fucking huge. And this is the work. I’m so passionate about it. This is the work.
Marty: [00:32:00] Megan, I see you as the leader of an inquiry. And this isn’t about finding answers. It’s about finding better questions. And that’s what you should be looking for finding your better questions. Because, well, I ask question is half answered and because the answer is going to shift depending on your identity. So have those questions of the ability to change your mind and the ability to ask the hard questions of yourself. I think that’s what you’re leading with love.
Megan: [00:32:30] Thank you. Yeah. It’s like all those insecurities, all those we joke around all these like crazy breakdowns that I’ve had in Europe and I’ve shared them openly. And that’s been really, really hard. And so, so good because it’s the person that I want to be in this world. It’s that vision of. Yeah. Of a brave person that’s willing to show people how to work through insecurities and breakdowns and step into a different world and create a different world.
Marty: [00:32:54] Any last words?
Kyle: [00:32:55] Well, I think love is the common denominator, right? It’s the one thing that we all share. Can share. But I think what our message is about is that there’s a billion different ways that it can go and you can have ten different relationships in ten different flavors of love and degrees of love. And it’s all about that. That is an inquiry. Saying, what kind of love do I want to have in my life? And with this relationship and we all have a finite amount of time and energy that we can expend. And for me, that’s really that’s my focus is how do I want to spend my energy in my time and in love is, you know, again, that one thing that that binds us really, really, really well.
Marty: [00:33:44] I have a great capacity for love. And I’m trying to remove the hate because I’m working on a lot of it is like, look, I fucking can’t stand Republicans. I still don’t know how to relate. And I look at my country and I’m like it’s a fucking mess. And I’m trying to remove the hate because this consumes me. And I don’t want that. And I don’t want to use any human as a means to an end. right. I just want better ends for everybody. And so, like, I’m trying. I’m trying. That’s my inquiry.
Megan: [00:34:14] I think everyone has an inquiry in them. So if you’re listening to this, take a moment. Take like a quiet minute to yourself to say what is my inquiry when I’m not trying to think about anything? What happens? What do I think about what comes up naturally? That’s your inquiry. It’s yours. It is just yours.
Marty: [00:34:32] If I’m not thinking about anything? No, but it’s sex, right?
Megan: [00:34:37] Maybe. Marty’s inquiry is How can I be a Casanova? So thank you. Thank you. Thank you all. It’s been a crazy journey and we’re about to go into our season two, coming up. But thank you. We love you.
Marty: [00:34:52] Ciao.
Kyle: [00:34:52] Thanks for listening.